I was going to post something serious today, but I’m not in a serious sort of mood. So instead…. I bring you….
The tongue-in-cheek guide to being both an author and an agent. As seen on twitter.
1. Make a really nice form rejection. ‘Cause rejections suck.
2. Be nice to the crazies. The crazies are the ones who will get on a message board (as well as MY blog) and totally bash me.
3. Learn my lesson and turn off anonymous comments to my blog.
4. Sign some awesomesauce writers.
5. Remind my awesomesauce writers on a near-daily basis that I’m still here. Becuase I remember sometimes wondering if my agent remembered me. Even though she just emailed me yesterday.
6. While my client’s work is on submission, I should just email themn so they don’t wonder if I died in a fiery wreck in a canyon somewhere. Not that there are any canyons around here. But they might wonder. ‘Cus even though I told them I’d share any news the second I got it, they’ll still think I’m holding back. And they’ll sit, their fingers poised over the keyboard, wondering if I will be annoyed if they check-in. (I won’t.)
7. I should never call my clients unexpectedly, especially if something is on submissions. Becuase it will make them hyperventilate and/or sweat profusely. If I MUST call unexpectedly, and it’s not THE call, I will say so immediately.
8. If their work is rejected (gasp!) I will immediately say such phrases as, “But I still love you!” and “damn it we are not giving up that easily! We’ll show them!”
9. I will send a questionnaire to all of my new authors with the following question: If you receive a rejection, how would you like it soothed? A) Chocolate. B) Wine C) Wine? Screw that, give me the hard stuff D) Joke about busting some kneecaps. Unless the editor was mean. Then maybe we’ll really…. no, no, we’ll just imagine it.
Author of PRADA & PREJUDICE
Agent, D4EO Literary