Worst Writing Week: Worst Opening Lines

9 Aug

So us LTWFers were talking a few weeks ago and came to a stunningly unsurprising conclusion:

Our first drafts suck.

Others might disagree, but the fact of the matter is that looking back at our first tries after months/years of revision have to be some of the most hilariously embarrassing moments in writing. More so when we realize that we were super proud and happy about these tries, and frequently used to dole out chapters to people like candy.

But the thing is that a lot of the time we’re really hard on ourselves. We harshly  compare the old draft to the new one because of how much more time we had to think about plot holes and character continuity. We’re not being very fair to ourselves. Especially since the final draft is supposed to be better.

And then there are the times we don’t know what the hell we were thinking.

This week is dedicated to some of our worst writing. A confidence boost for all you people that are perfecting your writing with us. Here’s the lineup:

Monday: Worst Opening

Tuesday: Worst Description

Wednesday: Worst Dialogue Sequence

Thursday: Worst Line Ever

So let’s start with “Worst Opening”.

~~~

Pain. It jolted through her small body, racking all her senses and making her stumble. Pain.

Thunder roared and the rain fell, making it so that the ground was slippery and hard to stand in. Bolts of lightning cracked through the skies; showing, for a few seconds, her frail frame; half running half dragging herself along the road.

She had to get away.

Another bolt of lightning, another crash of thunder. Slap, slap, slap, of her sneakers against dirt.

She had to get away.

Trees trailing in the wind, water pouring from the heavens, Slap, slap, slap of her sneakers against dirt.

She had to get away.

~

Aaaaand so begins the melodrama that was my first book (written by little twelve-year-old me)! I actually re-wrote the beginning five or so times, so the final result was very different. But this the first and definitely worse of them all 😀 It…actually hurts a little, right here in my chest, to re-read this, hahaha.

~~~

The day my adventures in life began I was disparing and doubted that anything interesting would ever happen to me.

~

Even at thirteen I knew this was shit and crossed it out pretty quickly. Seriously, little self, I know we had to start somewhere, but really?

~~~

Sarza would never have agreed if Nate hadn’t gotten her drunk. I wouldn’t even have agreed if he hadn’t been so enthusiastic and inspiring about it. Hell, Ally herself wouldn’t have gone along with it if Nate hadn’t shamelessly appealed to her vast inner child with hugs and whispers and candy.

So I guess you could say that our most interesting life experience was all because of Nate. Even though technically, Ally, everyone’s newest, dearest friend, started it by falling in love with motherhood and getting herself pregnant. I remember being there as she took the home pregnancy test with her into the bathroom and the excited screams that came after a few seconds of dulled tinkling and a pause. But it was Nate, a person who’s infallible optimism needed to be cured by a bus accident and intense medication to suppress the mother load of ‘the-world-is-a-wonderful-place’ endorphins his brain insisted on producing, who handed us our college graduation beers (except for Ally, who was happily pregnant and couldn’t have alcohol) and told us it was our civic and Ally-inspired duty to go somewhere we’d never planned to and raise her child ourselves.

~

Run-on sentences, grammatically incorrect phrasing, corny drunken statements… yeah, this is my worst opening ever (this does not prevent me from being very fond of it, however).

~~~

“Sadie scanned the room with her shifty, beady eyes.  She knew he was hiding there.  She could smell the fear.”
~

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I wrote this before I understood the full meaning of the word “cliche’.”  I mean, shifty, beady eyes? I suppose as a twelve-year old I didn’t realize that you shouldn’t use a description that had been used a zillion times before!  And since Sadie was neither a dog nor a witch, I’m pretty sure it was wrong to describe her as “smelling the fear.”  Ah, well.  It seemed good at the time.

~~~

There have been stories told about their kind – the dead who walk amongst the living when the sun goes down.

~

Yep, you guessed it! Another vampire story!

~~~

Celaena Sardothien stalked through the streets of Renaril, cloaked in darkness.  To the ordinary passerby, she might have been nothing more than a caliginous shadow cast across a dimly lit street.  To the more observant, she would have appeared as a person not to be trifled with; a person who would have no qualms about bringing you into her dark cocoon with no intention of letting you leave alive.  In either case, Celaena hunted with no interference.
~

I want to invent a time machine, just so I can go back in time and smack my sixteen year-old self across the face. And then delete this paragraph.

~~~

At the airport, 12-year-old Jenny Cresswell was pacing around waiting to be called to go into the plane for Hawaii. Her twin sister, Beatrez, was patiently reading a book. They are very different. Jenny has honey brown eyes and Beatrez has deep green eyes. Jenny is almost never patient, Beatrez is practically always patient. Jenny is small and quick, Beatrez tall and whitty. [cut] The few things they do have in common was that they both love adventure, they both love to read, though Jenny wasn’t in the mood to read, they both believe in ghosts and mythical animals and such, and they both have the power to send telepathic messages to anyone they want.

~

…Oh dear sweet Jesus. And I used to think I was the shit. I used to go around in all my eleven-year-old glory and read it to anybody who would listen and get them to tell me just how “whitty” I am.

~~~

What is your worst opening?

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69 Responses to “Worst Writing Week: Worst Opening Lines”

  1. Amanda Anjier August 9, 2010 at 12:09 AM #

    The day had to be the coldest day in the history of fall in New Orleans. Of course, the wind was probably inducing the shivering that my body was currently going through. I looked up at the dark sky as I felt the last of my tears drop. There was no way I would be able to cry more; I just didn’t have the energy in me. I shivered again and hugged my legs to my body.

    I don’t even understand what was going through my mind when I wrote that. IT IS SO BAD. I mean, I was hysterically crying when I wrote it, but still. (The story was based off a real event.) Oh, the younger writing days.

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:16 PM #

      I used to be hella pretentious and teenager-ish and used to think angst was some of the best writing out there. For a time I was all “Yeah look I’m so artistic and literary” whenever I wrote about death and depression lol.

      Luckily those days are looooong gone.

  2. fromawriter August 9, 2010 at 12:59 AM #

    I wish I had my bad story right now to show the bad opening! But it’s gone, becaues a few months ago, virus, system wiped, no more art pictures that I recieved people which makes me sad about losing them, and all my really bad writing was there. Only two stories though were important, one I’m writing now, and the really bad one that involved hunting, a twisted game, and of course a vampire! But the thing is in the end, the vampire and girl never get together, until book 2 where both of them ultimately die due to some unlikely cicumstances, hehe.
    But yes I’d like to slap my 10 year old self for writing so bad, but don’t get me started on the fanfiction. CLICHE UNREALISTIC (if you’ve read the idea for the fanfaction, it was so crazy it was unrealistic as it could never happen as MC was hit by a car three times xD) CITY!

    • fromawriter August 9, 2010 at 1:00 AM #

      I’d like to mention that I never got past the first chapter, but a year later I was baffled by what I wrote. Oh and then there was this historical fairy story! It was okay, but thinking back it was a strange story.

      • fromawriter August 9, 2010 at 1:01 AM #

        First chapter as in for basically everything; fanfictions, story I was working on right now, and the bad story. I think this is a good thing.

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:17 PM #

      Lol three times! But I bet they weren’t expecting that third one, were they? 😉

  3. priscillashay August 9, 2010 at 1:40 AM #

    In all it’s unedited glory: There I sat in English class. The weather was relatively cooperative, but seeing as heat rises and I was on the third floor…the classroom was hot as hell.

    I sat there thinking, “What am I going to do today?” Since English was only my second period, I had the rest of the day to waste. Don’t get me wrong, I love the class, all the poems, novels, essays. The work was no problem, easy as pie. Pie…hmm, I could go for some pie. Maybe I’ll have some for lunch.

    (sigh…I think I just wanted pie when I wrote this)

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:18 PM #

      Hahahahaha I have a paragraph almost EXACTLY like that, where I start just rambling about food. But I think it’s during math class instead.

      You know like pie charts.

  4. Myra August 9, 2010 at 2:33 AM #

    That’s funny, I was just thinking today (well, yesterday technically) how bad the opening line of this novel is. The whole opening, really:

    Kendall Rhonwen walked; the steam of the night parted before her. It had been drizzling earlier, rain following the wake of a storm that had ripped through the city and shook it for hours, and now it was hot, the rainwater steaming up to the clouds again. It wasn’t unusual, of course; it was spring. It always rained in springtime.

    Kendall pulled her hood lower over her face–she knew how to manipulate the shadows to her advantage, down here. The buildings were high enough to cast a shadow on everything; but the lights blared here and there, irregularly, lighting up the streets at intervals.

    Can you tell I had no idea how to open this novel, and that I was using Write or Die on extreme mode? I blame NaNo.

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:21 PM #

      Hahahaha I love the repetition. Pretty badass that she can part steam and manipulate shadows like that :D.

      At least you have the Write or Die excuse. A lot of my old stuff was just me thinking I was some sort of genius and it turning out like THAT ^.

  5. tymcon August 9, 2010 at 3:51 AM #

    In Anclisteire where the old kingdom magic seeped through Anclisterene technology a veil of darkness covered the area. In Bain the darkness was at its thickest. The only light from candles lit from the in homes when the electricity failed. This was not uncommon given its closeness to the wall.

    A man named Harvey Goodmen was walking home from the train station. He had travelled from the parliament in corvere. He was a group in opposition of the latest plan about the old kingdom. He was sick of the countless arguments, appeals and speeches. While Harvey agreed that there had been far too many incursions from the old kingdom of late. First countless dead crossed the wall and attacked a school while killing many in their path then there was that incident at forwin mill which destroyed acres of land, but this latest plan was far too risky.

    All Harvey was thinking about was this and getting home to his wife and kid. This explains how he didn’t notice the man following him. Harvey turned down the intersection into an alley. The stranger followed. A few seconds passed. A harsh silver light lit up the alley for approximately 10 seconds. A smell of burning meat wafted out of the alleyway, and Harvey walked out of the alley whistling cheerfully. A second Harvey Goodmen was dead in the alley not at all recognisable under severe burns.”

    OH MY GOD!!!! Oh my first foray in to writing. Fanfiction:S

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:28 PM #

      Oh lordy the short sentences abound! 😀

  6. Aurora Blackguard August 9, 2010 at 4:57 AM #

    Every night, he could feel the shadows closing in little by little. Nightmares would plague him with an unrelenting push. Nothing seemed right when he saw the sun set each day. It was suffocating. The dark alleyways of what he supposed was his subconscious seemed endless each turn leading into a maze of walls that looked totally identical.

    The walls seemed to ooze demons as one by one, they clamoured, claws cloying to grab him. He continued his pace, breath coming out in pants and wheezes. The air was being pulled out of his lungs forcefully, allowing him no room to breathe, to escape. Every step he took, the ill foreboding in the back of his head grew more acute and blacker.

    Finally, a door appeared in his line of vision. Spiralling up was a wooden snake that served as a handle to push the door open. When his hand reached forward to touch the wood, the snake was suddenly real and wheeled his body around his hand. He opened his mouth to scream but nothing came out. His mind screamed, yelling at his stationary body that refused to listen to anything that he thought, commanded. The snake’s mouth opened and the rhyme that had haunted him for as long as he could remember was sung out in a singsong voice of an enchanter.

    OR

    The sword came whistling down in a sweeping arc that Sayeth deftly deflected and sped to the side. Sweat was pouring down his face as the prince brought the sword crashing down again and again, becoming cruder with each passing swing. It was disgusting.

    “If you want to get out of class quickly, I suggest you stop playing and fight me,” he growled viciously as he easily sidestepped a swipe on his left. Orion’s face remained blank, nothing glowing in those green eyes of his; not anger, determination, nothing.

    They were simply dull sylvan eyes that harboured no hope.

    They made Sayeth want to throttle him. “If you wish to learn anything, hand-to-hand combat or sword skills, you will learn nothing if you keep dancing around like a ballerina. Start using that head that I’ve spent most of my thirties training,” snapped Sayeth as Orion attempted a weak punch at his face. The foil Orion wielded swept in an elegant uppercut of a gentleman dueller, not a warrior of Oneiric; easy to execute and easy to dodge.

    [GADS! WHAT IN THE BLAZES WAS I THIKNING? SHADOWS was an EPIC failure. :P]

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:38 PM #

      Oho! Sylvan! How very epic and poetic :D. Thanks for sharing.

      • Aurora Blackguard August 10, 2010 at 5:17 AM #

        TOO epic and poetic, I sometimes think : ) I liked yours 😀 thank YOU for sharing

  7. Ereza August 9, 2010 at 5:07 AM #

    Introducing my 11 year old self as a writer:

    “This was all to good to be true thought Lisa Kellar. She had won a writing competition for one of the best written essays on the topic of space for 2743. Eight winners had been chosen as the winners of a special prize.”

    I shan’t torment the reader with any more lol. This was my first 10 pages long story that we had to write on being lost in space in primary school. My teacher also ignored the glaring cliche but corrected ‘to’ to ‘too’ lol.

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:33 PM #

      LOL that is SO adorable.

  8. Launo August 9, 2010 at 8:35 AM #

    The wheels of the carriage spun swiftly, led by two horses with glittering black eyes, smooth hazel furs accented by dark brown manes and black tails. A piece of dark blue silk, framed by golden bars, covered the window. The smooth fabric ruffled slightly as the baroness raised the rich cloth. Her face was marked by wrinkles that were especially prominent under her dull grey eyes. Her once-vibrant red hair had faded into a mousy brown, streaked by strands of wiry white hair.
    Suddenly, the carriage came to a halt. The beautiful horses stood motionless, resembling stone statues crafted by the most skilled artists. The coachman quickly lifted the thick velvet which cloaked the door and gave the baroness his arms. She stepped off the wooden steps which glowed from a natural sheen. The scarlet colour of her garnet necklace glowed mysteriously. Carrying an air of grace, she elegantly walked toward the theatre.

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:41 PM #

      Over-description is the bane of writing. That’s not too bad though, just take out a few dark’s and adjectives for “beautiful” :P.

  9. Kim August 9, 2010 at 8:42 AM #

    ” The boy pulled her into the dark and cold depths of the water. He stared up at her with solemn green eyes. The girl watched as his hair brushed his cheek gently, and she held out her hand to do the same. He drew her closer till their breasts were pressed upon each other. She tilted her face and their lips met at a kiss. ”

    How embarassing. But I loved little, writerly me…you’re so cute with your (let’s-face-it) shocking prose!

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:34 PM #

      I love how how their breasts touched each other :D. Scandalous!

      • Kim August 10, 2010 at 2:51 AM #

        He had a mammatory problem..

        : ) I kid, of course.

        • Biljana August 10, 2010 at 1:54 PM #

          OMG LOL I was dead tired when I read that but it still made me burst out laughing.

  10. Laura E. Wardle August 9, 2010 at 8:56 AM #

    The opening lines to a Harry Potter one-shot I wrote in February 2006. (I did write an epically long fanfiction before this, but that’s long gone.) At the time, I though it was absolutely awesome. How very wrong I was. XDXD

    Do you ever look back on something that has occurred during your life and wonder what path your life would have taken, had things not happened the way they did? If someone had told me about the events that would take place during the course of the next month of my life, I would have told them to go register themselves into St. Mungo’s Hospital and to ask for whichever floor dealt with the mentally unstable.

    Regardless of any feelings I may have about what has occurred, they are irrelevant. Whatever I feel about the events that have taken place, there is only one person that matters, and that person is not me.

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:35 PM #

      Hahaha nice touch with St Mungo’s. That was the requisite “See? I know about Harry Potter” touch, wasn’t it?

    • jenn fitzgerald August 9, 2010 at 9:09 PM #

      soo… this looks familiar, lol. was it ever on FF.net? if not, I’m just having weird deija vu

      • Laura E. Wardle August 11, 2010 at 9:15 AM #

        Yeah, I posted it on FF.Net as The Bonds One Shares. It was up there for about three years. 🙂

  11. MD Irvine August 9, 2010 at 10:13 AM #

    These are from stories I wrote at twelve.

    1) Laura hated moving. She opened her suitcase and put in the last of her belongings. Her dad, Ben was a traveling salesman and this meant that they were never in one place for long. She picked up her mom’s picture from her dresser. “Mom” she thought. Her mom, Cassandra had passed away a few months before and she missed her terribly. It was after mom’s funeral that they had moved to San Francisco. Laura and her sister Jane had just settled down and Ben wanted to uproot them once again.

    (Info dump)

    2)Michelle stared at her new identification card. It had been difficult to get it. It read: Name- Stephanie Ingles, Height- 5’2, Eyes: Blue Hair-Brown Age-14. Michelle sighed, she wished she didn’t have to go through such desperate measures to get away from her family but they wanted her dead.

    (ID card description ugh and who has one at 14?)

    3) I have a dark past which causes my nightmares.

    ( I almost want to put up a more recent opening to make up for this mess.)

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:42 PM #

      Hahahahahahahaha no.3 is gold!

      • MD Irvine August 11, 2010 at 10:41 AM #

        LOL I know. I almost died when I went through old stories and saw that one.

  12. Susan August 9, 2010 at 10:20 AM #

    I wish I had my old notebooks with me so I could go through and read all of my old stories! I know for a fact I have some dreadful openings. I actually have some dreadful recent openings, but none nearly as painful as my old ones.

    I love getting to read your reactions to your own writings. 🙂 Biljana, I particularly enjoyed your reaction to your opening. My supervisor is now watching me with an odd look since I just laughed to myself.

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:53 PM #

      Sometimes that’s all I’m good for; sarcasm and a laugh ;).

  13. svonnah August 9, 2010 at 11:42 AM #

    Oh Billy. Present tense as well 😉

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:55 PM #

      It was written longhand and in the original it actually has all the “was” words crossed out and replaced with “is”.

      I had no clue what the hell I was doing.

  14. Armith-Greenleaf August 9, 2010 at 1:47 PM #

    Behold, teeerroor!

    A cold lab room….all white…so un-natural…there were faces….anxious for a figure to make a move. Then all of a sudden the whiteness y replaced by whirlwind of darkness and forgiveness.

    “Don’t worry little girl…you are safe now”. Said a woman. Her long wavy brown hair and her peaceful mahogany eyes were comforting.

    “We’ll be home soon, Hikari, call the kids and tell them we’ll have a guest”. This time was a deep but caring male voice. A man with dark brown hair. The girl couldn’t see his eyes, because she was in the back seat of a car.

    And then, the very first moment when she felt safe in her life, she heard a crash…

    (Note: This was written when I was learning English.)

    Opening chunk of the very first thing I wrote–some anime fanfiction, six years ago. Notice the extreme abuse of ellipses at the beginning, and a random y stuck in the middle. Ah, good times.

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 4:57 PM #

      Good times indeed. But at least you can say that you were learning English. I was quite fluent when I wrote that monstrosity.

  15. Gabriela Da Silva August 9, 2010 at 5:20 PM #

    Gosh! Oh man, lemme find my notebooks please!!
    Ok, got it. Translated to keep all the stupidity intact XD

    “Pets and Veterinary.” So read the blinding sign over the store in the Plaza. Iris, saw it, and then turned to look at me with a bored face. On her face you could easily read the expression of “Oh my God, I don’t know why I came here with you.” I, noticed it, and as if I hadn’t noticed it, I sighed.”

    I wrote it when I was eleven, and angry at the world and my classmates. And what better way to deal with it than writing a book with me as the main character, suffering just like I did, but actually doing something about it?

    Therapeutic!!
    Agents, all! “Green Magic” is finished at 110 pages and it sucks! I’m so re-reading this tonight XD

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 11:13 PM #

      I love the use of comma’s :D.

      • Gabriela Da Silva August 10, 2010 at 1:16 PM #

        That’s exactly what I, thought. We, should totally use more commmas after personal, pronouns.

        • Vanessa August 10, 2010 at 9:00 PM #

          LOLOLOL!

  16. Julie Eshbaugh August 9, 2010 at 5:45 PM #

    That has got to be one of the best series of comments any of our posts has ever garnered! I’m so glad that everyone is so willing to share their worst! And it’s so sweet that so many of us still have our “writing notebooks” from our twelve-year-old selves. Can’t wait for tomorrow’s installment!

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 11:13 PM #

      I COMPLETELY agree. I’m so delighted that people are sharing so openly!

  17. Rachel August 9, 2010 at 8:44 PM #

    Once, I wrote an entire paragraph about a dental office’s waiting room. It was all description and it really gave nothing to the plot because, you all guessed it, there WAS no plot.


    Oh to be a ten year old and think I was amazing. 😉

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 11:14 PM #

      Yeah….So much freedom to write badly :D.

  18. Schneider August 9, 2010 at 9:08 PM #

    Lol oh gawd. But you know, I’ve done worse. May I present Beyblade fanfic:

    ‘The girl wandered aimlessly in the dessert, her eyes showing no emotion at all. A cargo truck pulled by. “Well hello there little missy!” the driver called with enthusiasm.

    The girl turned her eyes to him and smiled. The driver gulped and drove away in full gear. They were all the same. They all feared her. No, they all feared her eyes. The emotionless look they had in them. The terror it inflicted. And it was all because of him…

    ( It was two years ago when it happened. She was at the World Championship Finals. She was skilled, but there was another whose skill surpassed her’s. But she was sure victory would be her’s to claim.

    She had whiped her competition and it was down to the final match. She heard DJ Jazzman’s voice on the intercom. “And it’s the final match of the year. It’s down to two contestants. The reining champion Klara and the upstart blader Kai!)’

    Yeah. And yet for some reason, I was one haughty twelve-year-old. Huh. :p

    • Armith-Greenleaf August 9, 2010 at 9:11 PM #

      Whoa whoa, the shit I posted (above) was also for a Beyblade fanfiction (posted on FF.net.) :O

      • Schneider August 9, 2010 at 9:43 PM #

        No way! Old fandom followers unite. 😀

        (And I really love that random y, btw. It adds a certain…flavor. :p)

        • Armith-Greenleaf August 9, 2010 at 9:49 PM #

          Nifty! Lol, thanks? 😉 What was your penname?

          • Schneider August 9, 2010 at 10:22 PM #

            Lol it was once something like “crystalphoenix,” but I changed it a few years ago to “Youko-Kokuryuuha.” I still occasionally update. 😀

            • Armith-Greenleaf August 9, 2010 at 10:24 PM #

              Cool stuff, dude! I took all my fanfics down starting this year. =/

              • Schneider August 9, 2010 at 10:27 PM #

                Thanks. 🙂

                And really? Why? I think I want to leave mine up for nostalgia’s sake (and also to remind myself of how far I’ve come haha).

                • Armith-Greenleaf August 9, 2010 at 10:29 PM #

                  Nostalgia is happy to know I have the fanfics in my hard drives, but I didn’t want to lead (possible) readers on, since I knew I wasn’t going to finish them.

                  • Schneider August 9, 2010 at 10:34 PM #

                    Actually…that’s a really good point. All of mine are totally backed up somewhere, too. :’p

    • Biljana August 9, 2010 at 11:17 PM #

      I absolutely adore that she’s so emotionless presumably because she lost a Beyblade tournament. And can I just say, Beyblade was SO awesome!

      • Schneider August 10, 2010 at 9:23 PM #

        Omg YES. I thought it was the coolest thing until I was like thirteen haha. :p

  19. Elizabeth August 9, 2010 at 11:34 PM #

    “Every one said my mother was amazing. I barely knew her, she was always there for me but then one day she wasn’t. I don’t remember how I acted, maybe I was confused. I do remember her hair; her long lustrous hair that seemed to go to her ankles. So maybe I was confused that her hair wasn’t there anymore. Maybe I liked to play with it.”

    Mmm…yea…for some reason I was obsessed with killing off my MC’s parents. At least three of my stories around this time lacked parents. I guess I thought it was cool because Harry Potter was like that…or something. I cracked up when I read this though.

    • Biljana August 10, 2010 at 1:56 PM #

      Lol there is melodrama, but I liked the thing about the hair! Cept maybe how long it was :P.

  20. Kaye August 10, 2010 at 12:41 AM #

    “Miya’s jet-black hair blew behind her like a banner as she galloped through the woods at top speed. This excitement, this rush, was what she lived for. Her vivid green eyes shone with her joy. She was careful not to slip in the drifts of melting snow left over from the harsh winter. Though Milo was beginning to tire and the sun would soon abandon the day, she knew soon she would have to turn back, but now, for the moment she was free.
    “Miya!”
    The call was repeated several times before she could turn back to see a messenger attempting to follow her. She turned a sharp turn and stopped Milo dramatically, then serenely waited for the rider to reach her.
    “Miya,” he gasped breathlessly, “You’re wanted in the castle. Immediately.”
    Miya could tell by the grave tone of the servant that she had better return in great haste. She waited for no more instruction and turned and galloped back towards the castle and the village surrounding it. She reached it within a quarter of an hour and handed Milo off to a groom before hurriedly rushing up to the castle. The guards saluted the young princess before Queen Aisslin’s maid, Tairaina, nearly plowed into her. “Miya miss, you are needed in your parents chambers at once!”

    This leads us to her father dying, her mother-who-never-loved-her giving her a hug, and with his dying breath, her father telling her she’s not really their child, all in the next three pages.

    Seriously. Oh, twelve-year-old me, you thought you were so fantabulous.

    • Biljana August 10, 2010 at 1:58 PM #

      I love it :D. And that’s actually pretty interesting, that she’s not their kid!

  21. Caitlin August 10, 2010 at 1:25 AM #

    I think Biljana’s is my favorite because it is so terribly bad and because it’s also so what an 11 year old would write.

    Bravo to all of you lovely ladies for sharing with us though

    • Biljana August 10, 2010 at 1:59 PM #

      Oh well now you’re just making me blush 😉

  22. Kelly August 10, 2010 at 3:25 AM #

    Once upon a time…oh wait. My story is not a fairy tale; it’s all to do with reality. There are many ups and downs in my life; you can consider it far from normal. So…Let me introduce myself. I’m Felicity, but all my friends call me Feli. I have two older brothers named Harry and Gary, and my older sister, Rebecca, or Becky. The best way of spending time is drawing! I’ll count in shopping, and gossiping. My best friends are Claire and Amy. We go to Thomson’s Private School, and are practically the most popular girls in yr 9, maybe even in the whole school. Everybody’s desperate to be friends with us, but we try to maintain as a threesome.

    —-

    I was a few months shy of my fourteenth birthday… and I titled the document ‘cool story.’

    *face-palm*

    • Biljana August 10, 2010 at 1:59 PM #

      Hahahahaha the title makes it that much better. I love the exclamation mark.

    • Vanessa August 10, 2010 at 8:58 PM #

      Ahahaha… well, guess what MY current WIP document is called? “Story”. BAHAHAHA. *hangs head in shame*

  23. authorguy August 11, 2010 at 9:48 AM #

    The first sentence of my first draft became the first paragraph of my second draft. Really, really bad. To chart the flow, it looked like
    clause,clause(clause,clause;clause,clause,clause)clause,clause…
    It ended eventually.

    Marc Vun Kannon
    http://authorguy.wordpress.com

    • Biljana August 12, 2010 at 2:13 PM #

      Hahaha I used to have loads of fun writing long sentences. Thankfully, I’ve been reacquainted with periods.

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