Worst Writing Week: Worst Dialogue Sequence

11 Aug

Dialogue, dialogue! So many issues with dialogue… So easy to make something cheesy, unrealistic, repetitive, uncharacteristic….

Observe:

Worst Dialogue Sequence.

~~~

“A love spell? But he’s a man!”

“There are sorcerers, and families where magic runs on the male side but kings usually wipe them out fast. Men with magic are more dangerous than women it seems.”

“Well, he’s not from a family it runs in because the only other magic family in this kingdom it runs in the women.”

“Hmm, it could run in his family but they might have hidden it to protect themselves, you know.”

“I gotta go and you have to go to sleep. Mom wants you better by tomorrow,” she said as she got up to leave.

~

Poorly inserted exposition, shifts in tone and style from previous paragraphs, lack of dialogue tags, lack of description, lack of individual voices for the characters, general ickness and poor writing.

~~~

“I’ll kill you!” she shouted.

“Not if I kill you first!” he answered.

“I’d like to see you try.”

~

Um, somebody hurry up and kill somebody here, because this discussion is doing nothing for the story and right about now I wish you both would die.

~~~

“Enjoy your swim?” Charoleen asked, finally coming out of the room with the table and couches, where she had been crazily writing and planning.

“Yes, it was lovely. You should all take one,” I answered.

“Maybe later,” she said. “I’ve got too much to do.”

~

Let me just recap this for you: Charoleen comes out, asks a dumb question, says she has too much work to do, and returns to her room. *Facepalm*

~~~

“No. Trust me, I’ve changed plenty of spare tires. I even know what a lug nut wrench looks like!” Brandy sarcastically replied, realizing he thought she was the helpless female.

~

Erm, besides “sarcastically” being total overkill, I used to love using dialog tags like “replied,” “cried,” “whispered,” “bemoaned,” etc, etc. I got over that. 😉

~~~

“You know,” Celaena said in her cool, cultured voice: “I’ve killed men with less than this.”  A slow smile spread across her face as she saw, from the corner of her eye, the overseer take an unsure step back in fear.

“You’ve heard the story about the hairpin incident, haven’t you?  Imagine: a harmless, innocent hairpin—what harm could it possibly do?  Now, picture that hairpin jammed all the way through a man’s eye and into his brain.  Lovely, isn’t it?”  Celaena laughed lightly.  “That was one of my more creative kills, actually.  Now, I want you to think about what I did with something as harmless as a hairpin and imagine what I can do with this pickax.”  She looked expectantly at the overseer, who was holding his whip defensively.

“Yer-yer can’t do anything t’me!”  His hands shook and his red face was nearing a sickly pink.  “Yer’ve been condemned by the King ta work until yer death in these salt-mines!  Yer ain’t en assassin no more!”

A pathetic way of reassuring himself.  Celaena stared at him blankly.

~

I honestly don’t know where to begin. The overseer’s accent? The over-writing? The redundancy? The fact that Celaena sounds like a psychopath? It’s like a perfect storm of idiocy.

~~~

“What?” Jenny asked.

“What, what?” Sherrel asked back.

“What, what, what?” Beatrez joined in, now out of the water but behind a tree.

“Who just said the last three what’s?” a confused Jenny questioned.

With that, Beatrez ran silently back and slipped into the water.

“Beatrez,” Sherrel said looking at the tree Beatrez used to be behind, “You can come out now.”

“What, what, what, what?” Beatrez joked coming out of the water.

“What, what, what, what, what?” Jenny said.

“What, what, what, what, what, what?” Sherrell tried out their new language.

“What what, what what what what, what!” Beatrez exclaimed enthusiastically.

~

…I’m not even going to touch that.

~~~

The other boy came questioningly forward. “……………………”

~

Yes, I used that many periods. *Smacks twelve-year-old self* WTH. In my defense, it was because way back when when I posted this to Fanfiction.net, you had to use like a thousand periods or it would change your ellipsis to just one dot. 🙂

~~~

“Dear, if you would like, you may stay at my house until the storm passes. I’m afraid it won’t be very merciful today.”

Amelia smiled, looking relieved and almost awed at the woman’s kindness. “Oh, but I couldn’t…”

“Nonsense. I would rather enjoy some company, Amelia dear.”

Amelia looked at the woman. Did I tell her my name? Amelia then felt very unsure and confused, and very uncomfortable. “Actually, I’m fine…”

“Don’t worry, Amelia dear. I don’t bite. I happen to know that you’ve been through a lot. Come to my house, and I’ll send a messenger to your father, telling him that you’re alright.”

Amelia backed away a few steps. Should I really trust her? She seems nice and all, but…“How do you know all that?” her voice held suspicion in it.

“Amelia, I know many, many things. Now, you may come if you wish; I will not force you.”

~

I don’t even know where to start! What’s with all the over-usage of the word ‘dear’? I want to cry when I read this… It’s just crap. I mean, REALLY? Oh, the horror!

~~~

Damian, however, made that decision for her. “Hi,” he said quietly, seating himself precariously on the edge of the bed. She blinked. “Accalia said you can’t talk, so just let me say this and I’ll leave.” She blinked again, waiting for him to continue. “I just wanted to say that it was very wrong of me to go and blame you for Sierra’s disappearance, wen I knew deep down that you didn’t have anything to do with it. It was stupid and foolish and irrational, and I’m sorry. I’ve said a lot of things –“

“Sure have,” Gwen croaked, her eyes dull, unlike the usual spark that lay there.

“But Accalia said –”

“That I couldn’t talk,” she said. “She says a lot of things.”

“Gwen, I had no right to –“

“–No, you didn’t,” the younger girl agreed, closing her eyes. Damian waited for a torrent of harsh words to flow from her lips, but they didn’t come. Instead, Gwen shifted her dull haze to his and tried to smile, though it looked more like a smirk than anything else. “Forget it,” she whispered hoarsely. “It’s over. Get on with your life. Go find Sierra. I’d help but…” she broke off her train of thought, her answer a bit obvious as she stared pointedly at the IV feeding into her hand.

“I’ve been looking. She’s on that darn ship that’s headed to god knows where,” Damian replied, his eyes almost sad. “So I can’t do anything about it.”

“Neither can I,” Gwen said.

“No, I don’t suppose you can, can you?” Damian reflected.

“No.”

~

As a kid, I loved to write dialogue in which characters kept cutting each other off. This conversation kept going like that, so I thought I’d spare you! There’s also way too many dialogue tags, and just awkwardness all around. My twelve-year-old self apologizes!

~~~

What’s your worst dialogue sequence?

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80 Responses to “Worst Writing Week: Worst Dialogue Sequence”

  1. mrschanandlerbong August 11, 2010 at 12:08 AM #

    “I know. Katharine told me. Well after I lied to you about the girlfriend thing, I asked the teacher if I could go see if you were okay. Well, when I went into the hallway, Katharine was there, and she explained everything. Amanda I’m so sorry, please forgive me and be my girlfriend!” He told me.
    “I’ll be your girlfriend!” I said, taking the rose that he held in his hand.

    Well, ignoring the fact that this is quite possibly one of the worst stories EVER, I just think it’s funny how horrible this dialogue is. Who talks like that? If someone asks you a question with a yes or no answer, you say yes or now. No one answers with repeating the question in statement form.

    Hey, did you go to the party last weekend.
    Yes. I went to the party last weekend.

    I was such a bad writer in seventh grade.
    It’s kind of pathetic.

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 12:21 AM #

      Hahaha if you ask me, that story has definite romantic comedy potential ;).

  2. Gabrielle August 11, 2010 at 12:18 AM #

    “What the buck?” She asked incredulously.
    “Huh?” I asked, confused as to why she said that.
    Yeah, pretty self explanatory, if you ask me.

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 12:21 AM #

      LOL!

  3. Kaye August 11, 2010 at 12:32 AM #

    “Hello?” I said into the receiver as I doodled on a piece of note paper.
    “Um, hi. Is Melissa there?” said a masculine voice. Who the hell was calling me? No one called me except for Java and Erika.
    “Yes,” I answered shortly.
    There was a pause. “Well may I speak to her?” he asked uncertainly.
    “Yes,” I said again.
    There was another pause. “Like, right now?”the voice asked again.
    I rolled my eyes in annoyance. “It’s me you dimwit, now who the hell are you and why are you called?” I snarled into the phone. I have a short temper, so sue me.
    “Oh hi. Sorry. I’m Ben.” I paused. Who?
    “Ben….” I prompted.
    “Wilton. Ben Wilton. From French class?” Oh. Him again.
    “So why are you calling. And where did you get my number?” I asked, suddenly panicked. What if he was a stalker or something? Maybe he moved here because he was ‘asked to leave’ his old school? Oh my god. I have a stalker!
    “I got it from the phone book. I’m not a stalker.” Whoa, read my mind much? I laughed tensely.
    “I never said you were. Now why are you calling?” I said, resorting back to my brisk manner. He had confirmed that he wasn’t a stalker, there was no need to be nice.

    And it just goes on and on and on. It’s embarrasing just to look at. Also, I couldn’t find it, but I distinctly remember once writing at least a page and a half’s worth of a conversation about oatmeal. Yes, oatmeal. Really. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

    • Kat Zhang August 11, 2010 at 12:43 AM #

      Lol! Oatmeal. 😀 I’d like to see that.

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 12:54 AM #

      Hahahahahahahaha was the oatmeal at least a metaphor for something?

    • Savannah J. Foley August 11, 2010 at 8:24 AM #

      Ah, the dreaded hyper-reactions to every little thought. My sympathies.

  4. Kat Zhang August 11, 2010 at 12:49 AM #

    LOL, Julie!

    And Billy… 😀

    (What what!)

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 12:55 AM #

      Oh my god Kat I want to die just looking at my stupid dialogue.

      • Kat Zhang August 11, 2010 at 12:56 AM #

        Just remember my worst line. Keep it in the back of your mind. 😀

  5. Sam at Read Sam, Read August 11, 2010 at 1:21 AM #

    Sarah, I honestly remember reading that on FP! 🙂 It’s not that bad.

    • Sarah J. Maas August 11, 2010 at 2:37 AM #

      lol, it’s just the part where she laughs lightly or whatever….I just keep on imagining this high-pitched psycho clown laugh. 😛

      • Angela August 11, 2010 at 4:40 AM #

        I remember that, too. Actually, the most memorable thing I remember her saying is how she can kill a guy with just a hairpin.

        That`s so epic. =D

        • Savannah J. Foley August 11, 2010 at 8:25 AM #

          Celaena is the female Riddick 😉

          • Sarah J. Maas August 11, 2010 at 1:21 PM #

            lol omg….that’s so badass. PITCH BLACK is one of my all-time favorite movies. ❤

            • Savannah J. Foley August 11, 2010 at 2:47 PM #

              Mine too! I’m Jack/Riddick all the way.

              • Sarah J. Maas August 11, 2010 at 10:08 PM #

                I was a HUGE fan of PB for years, and it absolutely KILLED me when THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK turned out to be such a stupid, godawful movie. *sighhhhh*

        • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 12:54 PM #

          The hairpin bit may or may not have had a starring role in one of my nightmares.

          • Sarah J. Maas August 11, 2010 at 1:22 PM #

            lol! ❤ ❤ ❤ I'm glad.

        • Sarah J. Maas August 11, 2010 at 1:19 PM #

          Haha, while the cheesy dialogue is now gone, the hairpin incident is still referenced at some point in the new/pubbed QOG. 🙂

      • Aurora Blackguard August 11, 2010 at 7:45 AM #

        I have the image of cackling witches. No offense, Sarah. Evil cackling witches.

        • Sarah J. Maas August 11, 2010 at 1:22 PM #

          haha, evil cackling witches is far better than what i imagined…Giggling clowns. 😛

      • Rowenna August 11, 2010 at 8:42 AM #

        LOL I think you’ve nailed it–killing a guy with a hairpin? Pretty badass. Tinkling laughter about it? Rather creepy 🙂

        I did love that detail, though–the hairpin bit!

        • Sarah J. Maas August 11, 2010 at 1:23 PM #

          Haha, she sounds SO creepy/psycho with the laughing…that definitely got cut. But the hairpin reference is still somewhere in the manuscript. 🙂

      • Caitlin August 12, 2010 at 12:17 AM #

        for me it’s the overseer’s accent more than anything else that condemns this dialogue, I mean the maniacal laughter is b/c Celaena is half mad at that portion in the novel, isn’t she?

        • Sarah J. Maas August 14, 2010 at 1:21 AM #

          The overseer’s accent KILLS me. I’m so glad that’s gone from the novel, lmao.

  6. tymcon August 11, 2010 at 5:57 AM #

    lol is it wrong that i kind of liked Celaena?

    “Penny for your thoughts?” Sam said walking towards her.

    Sam glanced back. What in the charter was a penny? Lireal thought to herself.

    “Sorry keep forgetting you don’t understand anclistiere sayings. So trying to get used to being noticed?

    Lireal looked surprised that he knew how she felt. Sam chuckled.

    “No offenses but you’re not very good at hiding you’re feelings” Sam said grinning “you should give mother a chance though”

    “I love sabrial! It’s just different to feel…” Lireal stopped not sure how to describe it.

    “Equal” Sam said gently. He continued when all lireal did was stare into space.

    “You may feel awkward but sabrial is so happy to see you! I think she needs something we can’t give her. When her father died that was pretty much the last collection to her family. She made one with us but i think she needs her won. You know?”

    “I think i get it. While i was surrounded by cousins and one aunt i never had any real family. I understand the yearning for family.”

    Wow i just realised when reading through my fictionpress what i thought was awesome is actually bad:S Oh well at least i’ve gone to comedy nowXD

    • Kat Zhang August 11, 2010 at 9:28 AM #

      Abhorsen fanfiction! That makes this about ten times cooler, whatever the writing 😛 I like the lack of capitals 😀

      • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 12:54 PM #

        I AGREE.

        • Vanessa August 11, 2010 at 7:10 PM #

          I SECONDLY AGREE!

  7. Kelly August 11, 2010 at 6:29 AM #

    “Are you okay?” The words just blurted out of my mouth. His guarded eyes softened a bit as he saw that I was just a child, but the vigilance never left his eyes. Seeing that he wouldn’t talk, I blabbered on, trying to break the silence. “Sorry, I found you here a few days ago…I didn’t know what to do, I thought about bringing you to the hospital, but then you might not like it. That’s why I brought you here. You were injured really badly, so I bandaged you up. I’m really sorry.” I paused and looked at him. His eyes were bluish grey, thoughtful.

    Just as I began to turn away, he said “You do apologise a lot, don’t you?” I smiled, embarrassed, and nodded. Then, I asked “My name is Laurie, what’s yours?” The boy frowned, as if he was thinking whether or not he should tell me his name. Then he replied “Darvilus.” A wide grin spread across my face, I just made a new friend.

    Darvilus smiled in response, then suddenly winced, his eyelids squeezed tight with pain. I realized it was his injuries, and panic arose within me. “What happened? Can I do anything? Where’s it hurting?” Beads of sweat rolled down his forehead as he attempted to suppress grunts of pain. Tears came to my eyes as I stared helplessly at the sight.

    Boy oh boy. This is considered one of my better works. Some of the stories before this had no dialogue at all.

    • Savannah J. Foley August 11, 2010 at 8:26 AM #

      Extra points for the use of the name ‘Darvilus’.

  8. Rowenna August 11, 2010 at 8:39 AM #

    “Do you think he remembers…do you think he knows it was my fault?” Nate whispered to Emily. Claire walked several paced behind, hands clasped as though in reverent meditation despite the din of traffic and the rattle of streetcars.

    “I don’t think he remembers much of the war, I really don’t. The only thing he seemed to know was that slang phrase Claire used with him.” Emily paused. “And will you knock it off?” she added gently. “With the your fault bit—it’s not your fault any more than it was the plane’s fault.”

    I just edited this. As in, edited it out 🙂 It’s not that it’s the worst thing I’ve ever written, but I’ve brought this plot up to what should be one of the most tense moments–and mollycoddle it with wimpy dialogue. Yack. Some things, as they say, are better left unsaid.

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 12:55 PM #

      Arg I’m having trouble with my rewrite right now because I have a few calm things I need to do but it’s all just getting more and more tense. I’m afraid to bog it down, so I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about.

  9. Beka August 11, 2010 at 9:05 AM #

    ” “There’s little to see up here,” a voice said from nearby. Nadine peeked at her closest friend as Esli sniffed, crinkling her nose in disgust. Her violet eyes flickered in the sunlight, reminding Nadine of the flashing gems worn by the Queen. “Let us go back under the surface.”

    “Why? It’s so peaceful up here.” Noticing Esli’s baleful stare, she added, “Well, it’s not as though we have anything to report. It’s better than being harassed by the rest of the army. ”

    “What’s wrong with the army?” Esli asked, running her hands through her long ebony locks, staring down at the water absently. “They give us lots to do. It’s proactive.”

    “Yes, I know. But I think we’re doing quite enough already.” And if we go back with nothing to report, they won’t believe us, and make up nonsense to give themselves something to do. She paused, weighing her words carefully before she spoke. Esli was sensitive about war, not because she hated it, but because she loved it. “Besides, why are we doing all this anyways? Don’t you think it’s been so little time since the last war?”

    “There’s always going to be war. I think we should just get used to it.” Her friend’s voice sparked with a possessed enthusiasm that poked at Nadine, bothersome and pesky like an itch she could not scratch. Esli tossed her hair over her shoulder, lips set in a thin, defensive line. She tilted her chin, looking down her nose at Nadine. “Or do you have a problem defending your race?”

    Nadine sighed, swallowing her irked reply. “Not at all. I just don’t want my race to be completely wiped out because of it. But your problem is, you like to fight.” ”

    Cringe. Cringe. Cringe. We get it- Nadine doesn’t like war, Esli lives of it- no reason to drag the conversation on! I’m like the Queen of Redundancy. *sigh* This was one of the reasons I scrapped my first effort at writing this story and started all over!

    Thanks for this blog, by the way. It’s really helpful, and makes me look at my own writing with a critical eye!

    • Savannah J. Foley August 11, 2010 at 9:53 AM #

      Oh, no! Not violet eyes!

      • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 12:56 PM #

        You just killed Savannah!

        Redundant, yes, but I like her liking war :).

        • Beka August 11, 2010 at 7:47 PM #

          extremely redundant! lol, but character depth is good. ;p

      • Beka August 11, 2010 at 7:48 PM #

        yes, and they beam lasers! (jk, by the way- I don’t think lasers would fit in a Little Mermaid retelling!) XD

  10. Laura E. Wardle August 11, 2010 at 9:10 AM #

    From a Beyblade fanfiction I wrote when I was sixteen:

    “No, Adelaide, that is where you are wrong. It wasn’t only Fornax. It takes two to tango.” I paused. “The reason you fell is because you didn’t believe in your Beyblade. Both the blader and Beyblade share a bond that aids them to work in unison with each other. The true friendship between a blader and their Beyblade is what really makes true champions.

    “So, do you see, Adelaide? Take Fornax back with you and work together with him to develop your skills. That is the only way to become stronger. No longer will you blame your losses on your blade, but you will accept defeat together, vow to get stronger and learn from each battle. That is what I did.” As I wrapped up what I had intended to explain to Adelaide, she outstretched her right hand and carefully took Fornax back into her possession.

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 12:57 PM #

      Lol I LOVE it. So much melodrama :D. And I didn’t realize until this week just HOW popular Beyblade fanfiction was.

      • Armith-Greenleaf August 11, 2010 at 1:39 PM #

        For some reason it was one of the most active anime fandoms. Even now it’s only beat by stuff like Inuyasha, Naruto and Bleach.

      • Savannah J. Foley August 12, 2010 at 9:19 AM #

        Is it bad that I have no idea what Beyblade is?

        • Biljana August 12, 2010 at 2:03 PM #

          Yes. Lol.

        • Armith-Greenleaf August 12, 2010 at 6:41 PM #

          It was only one of the crappiest anime for kids of all times. 😀

    • Armith-Greenleaf August 11, 2010 at 1:38 PM #

      Epicness. This takes me back… lol! 😀

  11. Mac_V August 11, 2010 at 9:29 AM #

    I just want to say I am LOVING Worst Writing Week. We all know how fantastic you all are on your way to publishing, writing for so many years, already published, etc. It’s very fun to see how much your writing has improved over the years! Thanks for sharing with us and making my day. What, what, what, what, what, what! ;p

    Mac

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 12:58 PM #

      Oh my god ahahaha the “What’s” are gonna haunt me forever.

      Glad you’re enjoying it. I sure as hell am as well :D.

    • Sarah J. Maas August 11, 2010 at 1:26 PM #

      Yay!!! I’m so glad you’re enjoying it! We’ve had SO much fun combing through our old stuff for material. 😀

    • Vanessa August 11, 2010 at 7:13 PM #

      I’m loving it too! 😛 Best idea to ever come out of our collective noggins!

  12. MD Irvine August 11, 2010 at 10:28 AM #

    In the first few stories I wrote I used to avoid dialogue altogether and when there was dialogue it looked something like this.

    “Ashley!’ she exclaimed
    Instinctively, I answered. “Do I know you?”
    “Ashley” she said again. “I’m a friend from your past.”
    I shook my head, trying to laugh off her eeriness. She must be someone who knew me from school, playing a practical joke.
    I laughed uprariously “I wish I knew your name. Whoever you are, you had me there for a while.’
    She wasn’t smiling. She looked downright furious as she pointed a well-manicured finger at me.
    “Ashley, the water will get you. It will get you for what you did to me.”

    (instinctively, uprariously, exclaimed ? what was I thinking? Maybe I should defend myself and say this was the first story I ever wrote. This scene was supposed to be scary heh)

    OR

    “You wouldn’t believe what happened at basketball practice. 5 seconds before the buzzer, I -” he stopped when he noticed her teary brown eyes.
    “What’s wrong?” he fidgeted. Girls’ tears weren’t something he knew how to handle.
    “Promise we’ll remain friends.” Susan said shyly tucking a strand of hair behind one ear.
    “Sure” Nick answered still puzzled by her changing moods.
    “Okay, I don’t quite know how to say this.” She paused apprehensive.

    (shyly? I really liked adverbs)

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 1:00 PM #

      People always get a hard time for adverbs but it’s the elementary school teachers that need to take the blame here. I remember learning about how you need to make it more interesting by adverbing everything because just “said” was boring.

      Lol in their defense, we were all ten and wrote pages about people repeating the word “What”, but still….they could’ve warned us :P.

  13. Gabriela Da Silva August 11, 2010 at 11:52 AM #

    Vanessa, is that out of fanfic? Or you had a character named Amelia as well? XD

    These are all awesome. Biljana’s What-what-what remind me of a scene pretty much identical I wrote and then edited in my book ^^;

    And Sarah, if you don’t mind me asked, is “cultured” a real word? Everytime I’ve tried to write it (not recently!), MSWord tells me that I’m making it up. But I don’t trust MSWord. He’s dumber than he thinks.

    I’ll look through my “novelette” and see if I can find anything XD

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 1:03 PM #

      Gabby, I kind of want to see this similar scene :D.

      And yeah ‘cultured’ is a real word. The vocabulary on MSWord sucks. I’ve had to add SO many things to the dictionary.

      Looking forward to your worst dialogue :D.

    • Gabriela Da Silva August 11, 2010 at 7:04 PM #

      Ok, from a different manuscript:

      “But it overlooks the sea.”
      “So what?”
      “Well, that’s good. Isn’t it?”
      “What’s so good about it?”
      “What do you mean, ‘what’s so good about it’? It’s the sea. The sea is good.”
      “Nothing about it. I hate the sea.”
      “You hate the sea?”
      “Yes, quite. It makes me nervous.”
      “What do you mean? The sea is magic!” she exclaimed, opening her arms towards the sea.

      —-
      Ok, first off: that’s FOUR people talking. FOUR. And no dialogue tags.
      Then… seriously, past-me… we get it. They’re talking about the sea. some like it, some don’t, but it really wasn’t necesary to repeat the damn word over and over. Nor was it to have the characters repeat each other’s lines.
      “You hate it?” “Yes I hate it.” “You really hate it?” “Quite so, I hate it.”
      Gah.


      …but the idea is good. Ghosts that paint, mh?

      …*edits*

      • Vanessa August 11, 2010 at 7:18 PM #

        FOUR people?!?! I would never have known!

        I’ve got a lot of dialogue like that though… where they repeat what the other person says!

      • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 9:30 PM #

        WOW four people, I never would’ve gotten that!

    • Vanessa August 11, 2010 at 7:17 PM #

      Totally out of my fanfic! I have a lot of terrible dialogue in original works as well, but this one was so painful that I knew I had found my worst-dialogue winner. It makes me CRINGE!

      • Gabriela Da Silva August 12, 2010 at 12:05 AM #

        Most of my Slayers fic is gone for good. One got erased by ff.net because OMG porn (there wasn’t any…), the others I erased because I didn’t want them in my profile.

        And then the computer went ka-boom! And they were gone. It’s kind of sad now, but ah wells!

        • Vanessa August 14, 2010 at 6:44 PM #

          I still have some out there. The other girls here at LTWF have been DYING to find out what my fanfiction.net account is, since that one is still active (unlike my FP account). You are the only one who has read the awful terror that is my Slayers fanfiction (and I intend to keep it that way! :P)

          I have a lot of stuff that disappeared off an old computer too. It’s always a bit sad when you lose old writing, even if it was god-awful!

  14. Armith-Greenleaf August 11, 2010 at 2:03 PM #

    Goodness, I’m loving this week at LTWF. Encore! 😀

    Okay, for a change I bring you–not Beyblade fanfiction–but… the first original ‘thing’ I wrote. It was so bad I took it down from FP. It was so bad it took me two years to finish it, and I did only because I’m stubborn. It was so bad, it actually hated dialogues and the ones it has are… you guessed it: BAD.

    “Daniel,” I made a pause, looked down at my hideous dress with sunflowers and my brown boots, before looking up at him defiantly. “I really, really like you.”

    That was all.

    He opened and closed his mouth. “Well, Sarah, I like you too-” He shut up abruptly, hardening his jaws and widening his eyes. “Sarah, I-”

    I held up a hand. “Save it, I don’t want to know nor do I want to listen to what you have to say. I just wanted you to know I’m tired of all this, I can’t stand it any longer.” My voice wavered a bit and I felt a convulsion run amok my body. I looked down and to a side, refusing to meet his eye, his whole shape. “It’s gnawing me on the inside, and I’m sick of it,” I was whispering and on the brink of tears, my face was preparing itself for the water works. “I just want to get rid of the feeling and move on! And to do so… I had to tell you.” My jaws clashed, causing a snapping sound. “I want you to know I also think you’re a big jackass for ignoring me, but I am one even more,” A bitter laugh, my body started distancing from his… “Because I never told you, I guess I was afraid because I knew what you’d say.” I turned my back on him, my voice came out as a hollow sound, cold and dead; it scared me, it made me want to weep. “I’m foolish and pathetic, and I hate it because it’s all your entire fault,” My blurry vision lifted to the horizon and I gasped out. “And I don’t want to see you again.”

    I didn’t stay long to see his reaction.

    So, without pointing at the million things wrong with this chunky-chunk, lets just say how the final sentence stresses his ‘strange’ lack of reaction even more.

    What, what?

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 2:24 PM #

      LOL convulsions are running amok my body right now. Convulsions of laughter.

    • tymcon August 11, 2010 at 3:20 PM #

      Lol I was imagining a look of confusion and growing horror on the boys faceXD

  15. Elizabeth August 11, 2010 at 2:21 PM #

    I watched her as her eyes sparkled like the stars she was gazing at. She smiled looked back at me. “This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had. Thank you.”

    I shook my head. “No, thank you. This is the most beautiful Christmas I’ve had because of you.”

    She giggled and turned away. “You’re so cheesy.”

    I laughed. “I try.”

    Ughughguhguhg.

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 2:25 PM #

      Ahahaha I’ve had a couple of these.

      “This was best day of my life. Thank you so much.”
      “Don’t thank me, it was my pleasure. This was the best day of my life.”

      ….sigh lol.

      • Vanessa August 11, 2010 at 7:23 PM #

        AHAHAHAHAHA. I have so many of those total fluff moments too!

    • Gabriela Da Silva August 11, 2010 at 7:06 PM #

      Looool, I just love it how the “I” is being all sentimental and the other completely rebuffs her.

      “It’s the best day of my life. How could I ever thank you?” *cry sniff*

      “Oh don’t mind me miss. Jus’ doin’ my job.” *smokes, walks away*

  16. Launo August 11, 2010 at 7:51 PM #

    He shifted his position, putting a cushion on his lap. He lifted his head to examine Karine, ignoring the mother, “I understand that you have thrown a large piece of gravel at Leah, Mr. George’s fair niece?”
    “No.”
    His eyes sharpened and opened his mouth to say something but Karine continued, “Not large, but a small rock.”
    “So you don’t deny injuring Leah?”
    “I don’t deny it, but I do not acknowledge it.”

    • Kat Zhang August 11, 2010 at 8:48 PM #

      “large piece of gravel”

      LOL 😀 If this is historical, okay. If not… 😀 I’m not sure what “I don’t deny it, but I don’t acknowledge it” is supposed to mean, but it sounds cool!

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 9:32 PM #

      I love “fair niece” :D. And I think I kind of get what you meant by “I don’t deny it, but I do not acknowledge it.” As in “Yeah I did it but I don’t care”?

  17. Chantal August 11, 2010 at 10:11 PM #

    Lol LTWF is epic this week.

    I’m still dying of laughter over Biljana’s entry. <3!

    • Biljana August 11, 2010 at 10:23 PM #

      Hahahahahahaha just wait till my worst lines go up tomorrow….Sooooo embarrassiiiiiing….

  18. Caitlin August 12, 2010 at 12:21 AM #

    I love this day most of all thus far. Mainly because everyone’s example is so terrible and for different reasons. I also like how for some of the dialogue it’s the descriptive sentences that go with the spoken words that condemn it most of all.

    Thanks ladies for sharing, I may try to dig some old work out while packing for school tonight/tomorrow, maybe I’ll find something from the terrible days before I realized essay writing was where my strength lay.

    • Biljana August 12, 2010 at 2:06 PM #

      Glad you’re liking the week :D. I’m having insane amounts of fun. Bring up that old work and join in!

  19. Landon August 12, 2010 at 1:21 PM #

    ROFL! Bilijana, I haven’t laughed so hard in a loong while.

    • Biljana August 12, 2010 at 2:09 PM #

      Lol greeeeeeeeeeeeeeat :P.

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