Worst Writing Week: Worst Lines Ever.

12 Aug

These monstrosities are the gems of our bad-writing caverns.

Prepare yourselves for bleeding eyes.

~~~

“I—I’m I’m so sorry,” he stuttered quietly.

~

Mostly because it’s totally out of character: he’d rather get slapped in the face, have all her friends hate him and go without snogging than apologize for being a jerk. Also, ‘stuttered quietly?’ I think I just threw up a little.

~~~

She wasn’t really a bad girl.  She was just a good girl who made bad choices.  Or maybe she was a bad girl, with the potential to be good.

~

Um, yeah.  Telling instead of showing?  Boring, inane character description?  A narrator more confused than the character?  All of the above, I’m afraid.

~~~

The whole idea is ridiculous. If I’m going to kill someone, it’s going to be because I feel like it. Not because their name came up in a raffle. And trust me, I’d be steering clear of the elderly. They’re like Slimfast for the undead.

~

I don’t even know, you guys. I don’t even know.

~~~

“It was about a five thousand years ago,” Sherrell answered. “It’s pretty hard to believe that cardboard even existed then. Anyways, the people on the island only found three pieces of the cardboad, which was cut into four pieces. They found the first one buried in rich earth, another was found just miraculously floating around in the air and the last was found burning in a fire, but was saved before it was impossible to read.”

~

Okay. Allow me to WTF. Cardboard? Oh, sorry, cardboad? Five thousand years ago? Honey, cardboard was invented in 1800’s. And it is paper. And it is not cool in any way, no matter how much you infuse it with magic. Nor will it stay intact and readable if it’s been buried in the earth, put into flames, or just casually exposed to air for a friggin’ five thousand years.

It’s. Paper.

ARGH!! I was such a stupid child!

~~~

Furious on the inside, I rose stately and walked out of my office, feeling his presence behind me, tailing me.

~

Ugh, a mix of bad adverbs, too much action, and hanging clauses. This one’s not too bad actually, but I lost all of my really old work in a harddrive crash last year 😦

~~~

The young man looked at her thoughtfully for a moment, at least that’s the expression Amelia thought she saw, but he was really awed at her beauty, even though she had twigs in her hair and a dirty brown blanket wrapped around her.

~

It’s grammatically incorrect, and super lame. I mean, REALLY?! I can’t believe I wrote that AND WAS PROUD OF IT! Ugh.

~~~

Mandy: “I felt uncomfortable, being so nervous in front of him.”

~

Two words: REDUNDANT, MUCH???

~~~

Two beautiful men in one room! If she had been in another place at another time, Celaena Sardothien would have taken full advantage of the wonderful body that the Gods had given her.

But now she was in rags, and covered from head to toe in salty dirt and mud. Celaena wished that the light were not so bright within the room. She frowned. She had diminished. What a miserable state she was in now! Bad luck.

~

Yes, Celaena, it’s bad luck indeed that you’re too filthy to have a threesome with Dorian and Chaol. And I’m glad to see that your priorities are in order–it’s not like you’re potentially about to be executed or anything. Nope–all that matters is your hot body and the fact that you can’t hook up with two hot dudes. Boo hoo. But maybe if you get rid of that bright light in the room, they’ll forget that you look like a hobo and hook up with you!

~~~

Shifting her position to face the newcomer, Tanya cast one of her beautiful beams of sunshine.

~

AHHHHHH. Someone run me through with a broadsword (do you even run people through with broadswords? are those more for hacking and slashing?) Or, better yet, travel back in time and threaten twelve-year-old me with a broadsword. I wish I was talking about magic, I really do. I wish Tanya had been a character with super magic sunshine powers. Because that would be better than the truth…

Because Tanya is supposed to be smiling.

~~~

What are your worst lines ever?

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41 Responses to “Worst Writing Week: Worst Lines Ever.”

  1. svonnah August 12, 2010 at 12:12 AM #

    I think I’m going to nominate Julie as the winner here. Epic self-consciousness for the win.

    • Sarah J. Maas August 12, 2010 at 12:47 AM #

      lol, I’m gonna nominate YOU, Sav. You had me at “Furious on the inside..”

      • Savannah J. Foley August 12, 2010 at 9:14 AM #

        There was too much going on there, I agree. I’m bad about clauses.

  2. Chelsea August 12, 2010 at 12:24 AM #

    AAHHHHHHHH!!!! Guys, seriously, this is genius!! 🙂 I have so much fun everyday reading these 🙂 Kudos to the younger yous 🙂

  3. Laura E. Wardle August 12, 2010 at 12:26 AM #

    I used to over-do everything. A classic example:

    Irately remarking numerous colourful cusses, she angrily snatched a handful of grass and just as abruptly as she had collected it, instantaneously dropped it.

    • tymcon August 12, 2010 at 6:08 AM #

      Sorry but i laughed thereXD

    • Aurora Blackguard August 12, 2010 at 9:16 AM #

      Must agree with Tim. Sorry! It’s adorable!

    • Biljana August 12, 2010 at 1:53 PM #

      Lol I laughed too. That’s really cute.

  4. Summer August 12, 2010 at 1:31 AM #

    Kat Zhang’s last line made me laugh out loud. I love how you guys all critique your work. :]

    This is some of my worst (back from when I was 13):

    It began the same way, as always. I would be boiling hot, feeling the sweat run down my chin, on fire. My face—I could feel it—was livid with anguish.
    The room, or rather, area, since I can’t see any walls, is pitch-black, not a visible light nearby.
    “Help.” I call, but my voice was hoarse, a mere thick whisper. My lips are parched and cracked with dryness.
    My hair, damp with sweat, sticks to the side of my face. My heart pounds, louder and more thunderous each time.
    I could see a woman, for some reason she was not immersed in the darkness.

    ~~~

    Um…it’s just redundant and ridiculously dramatic. What’s with the random lady who has her own halo of light?

    • Kat Zhang August 12, 2010 at 1:36 AM #

      Glad I gave you a LOL moment 😛 I think the pain has dulled somewhat now that I’ve read it about twenty times. You should have seen my reaction when I first “discovered” it.

    • Savannah J. Foley August 12, 2010 at 9:15 AM #

      I also like how you switch between tenses. 🙂

  5. Cassandra Jade August 12, 2010 at 2:45 AM #

    I don’t think I should share my worst lines because they are truly dreadful but I enjoyed reading these because it made me feel much better about some of my efforts. At least there is hope that it will get better.

    • Kat Zhang August 12, 2010 at 12:25 PM #

      I’m glad! And you definitely will get better if you keep writing 🙂

    • Biljana August 12, 2010 at 1:55 PM #

      Keep it up :). It does take a lot of practice to get better. We’ve all been through it.

  6. tymcon August 12, 2010 at 5:36 AM #

    I have actually a few 😛

    “Curious. A member of council meeting a spymaster. Well, if that doesn’t cause scandal and unrest don’t know what will.”, heavy foreshadowing (sigh)

    “During the job with the Barbarian and the Horse,” Lilith replied and Ashford shuddered at her reply.”, yeah…i read the bartimeus trilogy a couple of weeks before this (covers face)

    Sophia noticed straight away that his arms were well toned from swordplay, but his eyes didn’t have that soldiers resolve mixed with a slight coldness. Instead there was mirth and capability.”, What. The. Bacon! Mirth and capability (borrows Kat Zhangs broadsword and does a terminator on past self)

    • Savannah J. Foley August 12, 2010 at 9:16 AM #

      It’s hilarious when characters display a wide range of personality traits through their physical appearance.

    • Biljana August 12, 2010 at 1:57 PM #

      Well I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m loving the mirth and capability :D.

  7. Theresa Milstein August 12, 2010 at 7:53 AM #

    “Jordan Walsh was an ordinary teenager. Well, he felt he was ordinary. He lived in an ordinary suburb in Long Island, New York on an ordinary street. He had ordinary parents. He went to an ordinary public school. It was all so ordinary; it made him want to scream sometimes.”

    Redundant? These are the first lines when I thought I’d try writing four years ago. I’ve improved, I swear!

    • Kat Zhang August 12, 2010 at 12:26 PM #

      Hehe, just tell everyone it’s on purpose…for, you know, literary merit ;P

    • Biljana August 12, 2010 at 2:01 PM #

      I didn’t quite get just how ordinary he was, do you think you could repeat it? 😉

      But kudos for writing about a guy. Most girls I know write about girls when they just start.

  8. Launo August 12, 2010 at 8:11 AM #

    As she thought about last night, her smiles softly curved upwards.

    LOL yeah..

    • Biljana August 12, 2010 at 2:01 PM #

      Hahahahahahahaha

  9. Aurora Blackguard August 12, 2010 at 9:30 AM #

    “Bloody hell, I could have paraded in front of him in nothing but a thong with the words tattooed across my forehead and he still wouldn’t know head or tails as to what I was thinking! Can a man so damned smart be so damned thick?”

    —-

    UM. Yeah. Do I really need to explain?

    • Biljana August 12, 2010 at 2:02 PM #

      Lol but would he be looking at her forehead at that point? 😉

      • Kat Zhang August 12, 2010 at 3:23 PM #

        LOL! 😀

  10. Gabriela Da Silva August 12, 2010 at 3:27 PM #

    Oh man. Between Sarah’s failed threesome and Kat’s magical sunbeam smiles, this is just too good. Lessee, I oughta have something…. I miss my fanfic!
    …..

    I needed more time to decide, because, this decision, whether I accepted or not, would change my life. A memory came to my mind of the times I watched TV or in magazines people who won prizes like trips of Hollywood, beaches, or the Olympics, or the World Cup, or cars, and I always said, They’re su lucky, I could never win something like that.

    ….

    Yeeeeah, I’m sure a life-changing decision is *just* like winning a trip to the Olympics. Never mind winning at the olympics – just getting the trip.
    Remember all those times #queryslam had an heroine whose life would never be the same again?
    It was because they won an all-inclusive trip to the World Cup.

    I’m sure I have worst lines somewhere. But this is seriously painful to read, so that’s what you get this time!

    • Biljana August 12, 2010 at 3:34 PM #

      LOL. Well I dunno, dude, I won brandy snifters in a raffle once, and that was pretty life changing :P.

      • Gabriela Da Silva August 12, 2010 at 11:18 PM #

        Ohoho, now that sounds life changing! The only thing I’ve gotten at raffles is a snake. I’m sure it changed my mom’s life, or at least I think so, given the face she made!

    • Armith-Greenleaf August 13, 2010 at 2:43 AM #

      I needed more time to decide, because, this decision, <– I'm hooked! 😀

      • Gabriela Da Silva August 14, 2010 at 12:08 AM #

        My oxford commas!
        Or my oxofird commas, since they’re wrong 😛

  11. Chantal August 12, 2010 at 5:00 PM #

    Kat and Biljana’s lines = win!

    I don’t actually remember that paragraph from QoG, that’s great! I’d probably be up for a threesome with Dorian and Chaol too if I knew I were probably about to get executed lol!

    • Sarah J. Maas August 12, 2010 at 6:38 PM #

      lol, pre-execution threesome…sounds hot.

  12. Armith-Greenleaf August 13, 2010 at 2:41 AM #

    Same awful piece as the previous post:

    But not being able to live without me?

    He can. I know it, he knows it; everybody does.

    Best part? That came after two pages of chunky paragraphs of excess blah blah that were supposed to ‘explain’ why he could, indeed, live without her. Meanwhile she dewlled in self pity. Melodrama much?

    Moar:

    So what if I’m only with him when Mag’s around? It’s still something! And it can’t be taken away from me, god damned. Also, Mag’s stopped giving me the sodding look, now it’s the ‘I’m so proud of you, you’re doing so well’ look, and to be serious about it, it makes me feel good, it gives me strength.

    What was the sodding look, I wonder? And how does one go about throwing such meaningful glances? 😛

    I’m feeling generous, so here’s a bit more:

    I wasn’t in the mood to be part of the festivities and was, for once, the only one really working on the assignment, when usually I’m itching to get away from school work. I accept I’m using it as an excuse to isolate myself, but at least my head is clearer this time and I’m not bullshitting myself.

    Aren’t you, really?

    And why was this character so hell bent on psychoanalyzing herself?

    *Shakes head*

    • Biljana August 13, 2010 at 5:10 PM #

      Lol very nice. I like the random “god damned” thrown in there.

      • Armith-Greenleaf August 13, 2010 at 6:34 PM #

        It was so in-context. 😀

        *Encore for another WWW*

        • Vanessa August 14, 2010 at 6:35 PM #

          😀 We’re glad this was such a hit! Maybe we will do another WWW in the future… 😛

  13. Landon August 13, 2010 at 8:47 PM #

    I love it! Mine’s pretty short:

    “He thrashed around like a weasel in a blender.”

    …I was a messed up 13-year-old.

    • Kat Zhang August 13, 2010 at 8:55 PM #

      Hahahaha, I love it!! 😀

    • Armith-Greenleaf August 13, 2010 at 8:57 PM #

      That is so epic. 😐

    • Biljana August 14, 2010 at 1:33 PM #

      Lol….WOW.

    • Vanessa August 14, 2010 at 6:35 PM #

      AHAHAHA!

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